Staying Together When Teen Problems Threaten

This article does not address how to solve problems with teenagers, and we do not submit ourselves as experts or role models in dealing with teenagers. But through all the grief and turmoil we have experienced, we have stayed together and we regard our marriage as happy, solid and pleasing to God. We have had to deal with a teen who ran away several times, experimented with shoplifting and drugs, was on probation, got pregnant before marriage and continues as an adult to give us grief. We still worry about all our grown children and now our grandson. We pray for them and do not hesitate to ask for the prayers of Christians.

Through all the adversity we have stayed together. And in fact, we have grown stronger in our marriage because:

WE SHARE THE SAME VALUES. We cannot recall a single time when we were confronted with wrong behavior, where we argued about whether or not it was wrong! We have had no such debates. Long before our three children entered the teenage years, we acquired our values based on the Word of God (we were both Christians when we married). We studied together, talked together and reasoned together from the Scriptures. We went into the teenage parenting work with the same convictions about right and wrong. Even when we may have differed a little about methods of discipline and timing, there was never any controversy between us about right and wrong behavior. Some very rebellious but astute teens can detect the slightest difference between parents. They will use it to their advantage. Our three children never had such an opportunity. And based on our shared value system and common convictions, we have never had any inclination to defend our children in wrong behavior, or overlook their sin. Our disapproval has been clear to them, and in some cases taken to the brethren.

WE ENJOY COMPATIBLE MATURITY. We are not exactly the same age; one is almost two years older than the other. By "maturity" we mean we share the same sense of adult responsibility. We both believe it is essential to get up everyday and do your work, do what's right and work hard. Even when you may not feel like it, you just do it. One of us has more energy than the other, but both of us have the same immovable perspective about getting up every day and doing your work, even on days when you may feel like doing little or when you think present conditions are not fair. This maturity and responsibility about life has given us immeasurable strength in dealing with teenage crisis and keeping our marriage together.

WE CAREFULLY GUARD OUR PERSONAL TIME TOGETHER. Even in seasons of great anxiety and stress over our children, we have made time to be together. In fact, there were times when we would be compelled by the adversity to get away. We were usually able to make arrangements to do so. Again, many rebellious children are very observant and manipulative. They may try to maneuver mother and father apart. We just didn't let this happen. We firmly believe, we are not only parents, we are husband and wife.

We decided to be "heirs together of the grace of life" and dwell with one another "with understanding" before we had children (1 Pet. 3:7). Even before we knew much about the full depth of biblical love (agape), we wanted to attain to the behavior described in 1 Cor. 13. We want to do all in the name of the Lord (Col. 3:17), and we regard our relationship as "that which God hath joined together," (Matt. 19:6). These convictions and endeavors have afforded us the strength and patience to weather the storms of teenage turmoil. And with all of this, we thank God for what we have and pray for His help daily.

Only in Christ, can husband and wife find the values, maturity and love that is necessary to stay together. We will soon celebrate thirty years of marriage. We are grandparents now. We know that the disappointments of life and children are not over. But we decided a long time ago to serve the Lord and love each other for life. We will continue to pray, study the Bible, work and worship with God's people and attend to the responsibilities we have in daily life. We will grow together, enjoy one another and help each other though old age. But we will not be pulled apart by the behavior of our children, or anybody else.